Some days there are just too many things on my heart to put into words that haven’t already been said. Today I managed to sort this out enough to write it down, and of course, since these thoughts are always backed up by some lovely serene landscape, I decided to find one. I love daisies.
It’s significant because as I go about my work to prepare for a holiday I should be excited about, there are mixed feelings because it’s a trip Pat & I were actually talking about making together. We never cared to travel to far away places, but we had begun talking about this one and thinking it would be fun to go as a family. And now I’m packing my own bag and trying to be happy about the opportunity. I know I will have a good time and enjoy the adventure with our daughter (she is the experienced traveller so she makes sure that I go places and that I have everything I need when I get there).
But once again it strikes me that no matter what I do or how much fun I have, he isn’t going to be there. He isn’t going to be anywhere with me ever again. I will experience good times and bad times, I will laugh and cry, I will watch our family change and grow and move forward and I will do it alone. Of course, I’m not technically “alone” but I am without him, and in that sense, the sense of having my life partner, my other half, I’m on my own now.
I know he’s with me, but he’s in my heart where I can’t hold him or touch him or feel his arms around me when I’m scared or sad or needing to be loved as only he could love me.
I’m starting to smile more, to laugh more, to recall happy memories of him without being reduced to tears, and to find myself having fun in various situations. But there is a heaviness always, even on the best of days when everything actually seems to go well, a heaviness that limits my experience of joy. It isn’t because I feel guilty being happy, it’s because I will miss him until I am with him and there’s no way around it.
Reinventing Ann 